


Cold Light of Day

by elfin



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-22
Updated: 2012-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-10 12:32:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfin/pseuds/elfin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes Duke getting kidnapped and almost killed for Nathan to admit how he feels (yeah, that old chestnut!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Light of Day

**Author's Note:**

> written in 2011, previously archived at LiveJournal and Sundive

Audrey was touched. Nathan trusted her enough to tell her why he was worried about his date with Jess and she felt bad about pushing it. But not so bad that she didn’t.

"Before it happened, who was the last woman you were with?"

He'd been so open with her, telling her what had to be one of the most embarrassing things he could have admitted to, she expected him to spill. But instead of answering the simple question, he shook his head, leaned forward and reached for the key already in the ignition. Surprised, Audrey didn’t want to let it drop. "Come on, tell me." He started the engine. "Come on, Nathan! Who was she?"

The truck rumbled quietly, he put it into gear but didn't move off. "Not a she.” He took a deep breath and said, “Duke. It was Duke."

She stared at him for a long time, thinking first that he was joking, then knowing with absolute certainty that he wasn't. "You know, that explains so much."

He turned to look at her. "You're not shocked?"

"Surprised, yes. Shocked, no. The way you two fight... there has to be something behind it all that you’re both passionate about. I just didn't see it being each other. But it makes sense. What happened?"

"Haven happened." His tone quickly turned bitter. "One day we were screwing like minks, the next I couldn't even feel his hand holding mine. We fought one night. I was scared, he was angry.... We wrecked his boat, both of us ended up bruised and bleeding, both of us needed stitches by the time we were done. But only he needed pain killers, only he got hurt."

"Sounds like you both got hurt."

"I couldn’t feel any of it. Just my heart hammering and the rush of blood. I broke his nose, heard the bone crunch but I didn’t feel it against my knuckles, didn't feel his blood on my hands. It’s been so long I can't remember what things feel like. I would give anything to have that back, just for a day, just for an hour, but it isn't going to happen. So Duke and I live in a perpetual argument, and up until know I've steered clear of relationships."

It took a moment to process it all. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for."

"Yeah, there is. I've been pushing you at Jess and I'm sorry for that. But when I first got here, Duke was nice to me, civil, even flirty.” She put a hand on his arm and he looked down to stare at it. “Lately he's been cooler,” she said, “and I think I know why."

He didn’t hear her; he could feel her hand on his arm.

~

Just a casual couple of drinks at the bar, he told himself. The only trouble was that nothing Nathan did around Duke was casual and he never drank at the Gull. Staying at the opposite end of the bar, polishing glasses that didn’t need polishing, Duke was eying him suspiciously; regarding him like a cop, not like a friend. Nathan held his ground, sipped his beer slowly, and eventually curiosity seemed to win out because Duke finally sidled closer, edging towards him behind the bar. 

He asked, “What are you doing here?”

Nathan meant to be dismissive, ‘just having a drink’, like it wasn’t a big deal and Duke should just go back to doing what he was doing. Move along, nothing to see. What he actually said, to his horror, was, “I’m not dating Jess,” blurting the words out like he had no choice. Audrey would have laughed until she wet herself and he was suddenly glad she’d refused to chaperone despite this being her idea. Duke was staring at him as if he’d lost his mind. “Who’s Jess?”

The answer tripped over itself on his tongue. “The woman... I was... seeing.”

Duke frowned. “You just said you weren’t seeing her.”

“I’m not.” He threw back his beer in two gulps and slammed his glass down onto the bar. “Thanks for the drink.”

“You paid for it,” Duke pointed out, “so you don’t have to thank me.”

Without another word passing between them, Nathan left. 

~

On the odd occasion, a day did pass without Nathan seeing Duke somewhere or other. But usually if he didn’t find an excuse to go to the boat, they would run into one another in town, at the bar, in the doorway of a store.

So when he saw neither hide nor hair of the pain in his ass all day, Nathan became suspicious. He told himself that Duke gone out of town for supplies, or out on a ‘fishing’ trip in a more discrete boat than the hulk he lived on. But when a call came in around four from Nora, the barmaid at the Gull, complaining that there was no sign of Duke and it was time to open up, he started to worry. As untrustworthy as he might have been in the past, since taking on the restaurant he had quickly built it up into a fully fledged going concern, as if the role of legitimate businessman suited him.

Nathan called his cell and when he got no response he headed over to the boat. From there he called Audrey and put out an alert. The galley was trashed; it looked like there’d been a fight, and for once Nathan hadn’t been involved.

~

Audrey met up with Nathan at the Gull and from there, over the next twelve hours, she watched him tear the town apart. He questioned everyone, waking them no matter what time it happened to be. Audrey fed him coffee until three, until he was wired, and finally managed to talk him into heading back to the station at four to let Haven’s residents have some sleep. There was no question of him going home, she realised, no question of him sleeping. After what he’d told her the previous week, she wasn’t surprised at his being concerned, but his near panic shocked her.

Duke wouldn’t just have left, Nathan had convinced her, besides, the boat was docked, his jeep parked up. She reminded him that by his own description, Duke was unreliable. But Nathan wasn’t listening to her; he was listening to something inside his own head, something that was keeping him animated when Audrey was starting to flag. 

It was a small town, everyone knew everyone else. And by dawn everyone knew that Duke Crocker was missing, even those who hadn’t been roused from their beds. Having failed to locate him on land, Nathan marshalled as many boats and skippers as he could find and they set out in co-ordinated patterns, following Nathan’s direction, keeping in contact, reporting sightings of anything out of place. 

From the deck of the coast guard vessel Audrey spotted the old fishing boat first, close to an inlet near Camden. As soon as she pointed it out, Nathan zeroed in on it, waiting until they were just close enough to jump deck to deck. “Nathan!” Audrey watched, stomach seizing, as his foot slipped and he dropped until his chest collided with the edge of the hull and his arms locked to stop him from plunging into the water. He didn’t hesitate, obviously not feeling it, springing back up and finding his balance.

Audrey waited the couple of seconds that took them close enough to step across and followed Nathan’s calls of Duke’s name down into the galley just as they abruptly stopped. 

The water inside the boat was at least five inches deep. Nathan was crouched down next to Duke who, thank God, was still living, breathing and yelling; obviously, understandably desperate with the water up around his hips. Despite his hands being completely underwater she could tell by the rattling of metal against metal that he was handcuffed to the central leg of the galley table. His legs were bound with heavy black tape and Nathan was holding a strip of it, apparently from Duke’s face judging by the raw skin of his upper lip, his pencil moustache practically gone. 

Nathan’s fingers were in Duke’s hair, face close, voice calm, reassuring him; he was safe now, they’d found him, they were going to get him out. Kneeling down beside him, brushing her hands over his shoulders, Audrey followed the taut line of his trembling arms down to the cuffs, trying the key to her own set in the lock with no success. “There are bolt cutters,” Nathan told her, “on our boat.” 

It only took her a few seconds to go fetch them, returning to kneel behind Duke, struggling to find an angle to get purchase on the chain, having to tell him to hold still. Nathan had torn the tape from his legs, and the moment the metal gave under the pressure, Duke pulled his arms free. There was watery blood flowing over his fingers, wrists red raw, cut to the bone in places. He got blood on Nathan’s shirt as he scrabbled to get to his feet, but the moment he put weight on his legs they gave way. Nathan caught him, getting one arm around his waist to support him with Audrey on his other side, getting him off the boat that someone meant to have been his coffin.

They got underway and Audrey got on the radio; called off the search, requested a rescue tug for the stricken crime scene and medical assistance to meet them at the shore. Then she went below deck, where Nathan had stripped Duke out of his sodden clothing and had got a couple of blankets around him. 

Duke’s arms were trembling, his hands shaking as Nathan cleaned his injuries and bandaged his wrists. There was more tenderness in his touches than she’d ever seen from him before and for a moment she just watched him, mesmerized, before coming to her senses and seating herself on Duke’s other side, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder, pulling the blanket closer around him. He glanced at her, his slightly spaced smile leaving her wondering what kind of pain meds Nathan had already managed to get into him. She asked him pointlessly if he was okay and followed that up immediately by asking who’d taken him.

At first Duke didn’t answer. He was staring at the bandages on his wrists or maybe at the blood drying on his hands, looking like he couldn’t quite believe he’d survived this one. Then he closed his eyes and let his head fall forward. She watched Nathan stroke his hand across Duke’s shoulders, briefly hugging him close.

“We’re twenty minutes out,” he reassured. “We’ll get you to the hospital.”

Duke shook his head, “I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

“Too bad.”

Raising a hand to his face, Duke tried begging them, “I just want to go home.”

Audrey repeated her question. “Who did this?”

He sighed. “Jim Burton and his crew.”

By the expression on his face, Nathan obviously knew who that was. Tenderness turned to anger in a heartbeat. “Jim? Jesus, Duke, what the hell did you do to piss him off?”

When he didn’t answer, Audrey half-expected Nathan to lose it; she heard his drawn-in breath. But instead he got up and went above deck, staying there until they docked. His panic of the last twenty-four hours seemed to just slide off him and Audrey was left to make sure Duke was seen by the medics waiting for them. 

They stitched his wrists while he sat in the back of the ambulance, and re-dressed his wounds. When he still refused to go to the hospital, despite obviously being in pain, Audrey took him home. 

He said nothing on the drive, and got out of the car as soon as they pulled up. She followed him onto the boat and down into the living quarters like an obedient puppy, not knowing what to say. She didn’t know him well enough, she realised, to deal with him like this. She was furious at Nathan for abandoning them and angry at herself for not being able to find the right words. Helplessly she watched Duke wash down three Codeine tablets with a swig of whisky and knew she’d have to stay as he crashed out on the bed, still wearing the blankets from the boat.

She tidied up quietly in the galley from where she could keep an eye on him; straightening furniture, righting things, picking up books, sweeping up broken china and glass. Then she made herself a mug of coffee and because Duke hadn’t moved an inch, she went up on deck and fell asleep in a chair with her hand wrapped around the handle of her gun.

It felt like thirty seconds but it was getting dark when Nathan woke her with a hand on her shoulder. “Sorry,” was the first thing he said, and whatever residual anger she might have felt evaporated. “Go home, get some proper sleep.”

“I don’t think he should be left alone....”

“I’ll stay.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah.” He smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt him. I think he’s had enough today.”

For a second she wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea, leaving the two of them alone, but she remembered how he was the day before when Duke’s absence had been noted and how gentle he’d been with Duke when they found him. Besides, they had history before the fighting started and that had to count for something. When she looked up again, Nathan was laughing softly.

“I promise.”

She raised her eyebrows, nodded and climbed out of the chair, handing him her empty mug, telling him she’d be back later, once she’d managed to grab some sleep. 

~

Nathan watched her until she was out of sight, wondering at the changes wrought in them since her arrival. Being able to feel her touch should have changed everything, he should be aching for her, starving for her. But he wasn’t. In the last twenty-four hours the past had been raked over, memories rising to the surface of him and Duke, of how they once were, how good they used to be together. He should have wanted Audrey because that way things would have been so much simpler, but he didn’t, so they weren’t. 

He was doomed.

Heading down into the galley he washed up Audrey’s mug and set the kettle to heat up again on the stove before moving through into the cabin as quietly as he could. He needn’t have worried; Duke was out for the count, spread-eagled over the big bed, snoring softly. His bandaged wrists were held protectively in front of his chest and the blankets had twisted around his legs, so Nathan grabbed one of the large throws from a chair in the corner of the room and shook it out, covering him carefully. Duke didn’t wake, didn’t budge, just snuffled in his sleep and fell silent.

Nathan stood by the bed for a minute or two, letting those old memories seep back into his mind. While Duke was unconscious it was almost possible to tolerate him, and that put a smile on his lips. He might be a pain in the ass, but he was Nathan’s pain in the ass, and the possibility of losing him had scared him. Badly.

Resisting the urge to touch, he forced himself back to the task of making coffee, thought better of it and raided Duke’s fridge for a beer. Up on deck the light was fast failing and he could tell it was a warm night because he didn’t have goose pimples on his arms; his skin seemed to register temperature even if he couldn’t feel it. 

He sat out in the same chair Audrey had, willing the clenching of his stomach to ease now Duke was safe, hoping the fizzy beer would help. He could still feel the remnants of cold fear, the possibility that it was a body they were going to find.

Why was it so easy to hate the guy when he was safe and well, and so easy to worry about him when he wasn’t? 

He drank and listened to the sounds of the marina, letting the gentle rocking of the boat sink into his bones. Minutes or hours might have passed until something disturbed him and he swallowed the last dregs, feeling better now, rousing himself to fetch another. It was finally dark, filling the galley with shadows and he tripped over something, stubbed his toe on something else, not feeling it but making more noise than he’d meant to. He found another bottle in the fridge and popped the top off, taking a gulp before heading through again to check on Duke.

As he stepped into the cabin he stopped dead in his tracks, narrowly avoiding covering himself in beer. Duke was sitting up in bed, trembling hands locked around a handgun the size of a canon, the barrel aimed at Nathan’s balls. Nathan squeaked, immediately ashamed of the sound, and with a relieved sigh Duke lowered the weapon and dropped it onto the bed next to him, muttering an apology.

“Christ, Duke, where did you get that?!”

He didn’t get an answer, just a grunt, before Duke pushed back the throw and kicked off the blankets, climbing unsteadily out of bed. Nathan watched him scoop up a pair of crumpled khakis from the floor, a white shirt and one of his cardigans, the ones he habitually wore that might have been stolen from an old folks’ home. He winced whenever he had to bend his wrists, and finally he sat back on the bed as if simply getting dressed had exhausted him. 

Moving slowly Nathan sat down too, on the corner, on the edge, guarded now Duke no longer needed rescuing. 

“Are you okay?” 

Duke didn’t look at him, just pulled the cardigan sleeves down over his bandaged wrists and bony hands and shook his head once. 

“I went to see Jim Burton.” It was where he’d gone after stranding Audrey with Duke and the medics at the pier. “He won’t bother you again.” Won’t bother anyone, he thought, but he didn’t say it. 

Duke did look at him then, assessing, suspicious. But if he wanted to ask, he didn’t. Instead he pointed at the bottle in Nathan’s hands and asked, “Can I get one of those?”

Nathan almost asked him if he’d taken any meds for his wrists, decided it would make him sound like an old woman and nodded. 

Uncharacteristically quiet, Duke followed him into the galley, accepted the cold bottle when Nathan handed it to him, muttered ‘thanks’ and headed up on the deck. Nathan didn’t follow immediately; he was certain Duke would prefer to be alone but didn’t think he should be. Or was the truth that he just didn’t want to leave?

He briefly considered calling Audrey; she’d be better at handling this post-traumatic phase than he was. But that feeling like knots in his stomach stopped him. Possessive, proprietary, whatever he was; he’d known Duke since they were kids, they’d belonged to each other once. And sure they hadn’t exactly been getting along recently. But things were better, easier, since Audrey’s arrival. They were finding some common ground. Duke was his responsibility; it wasn’t fair to hand him over to Audrey like he’d already done at the docks, to foist him off because Nathan couldn’t deal.

He followed Duke up to the deck. 

Nathan switched on a lantern as he stepped out, bathing the deck in a creamy light. Duke was sitting with his back to the hull, knees bent, head back against the slowly rusting metal. Again, Nathan sat down beside him, an inch or two between them. Duke kept his head bowed; more subdued than Nathan could ever remember seeing him.

Scared.

The idea was uncomfortable. Because there was an order to things, even in Haven, and part of that order was Duke – unreliable, unflappable. Solid as rock.

Nathan drank his beer and tried to think of something to say, but Duke beat him to it. “When you said Jim wouldn’t be bothering me....”

“I didn’t kill him. When I got to his place, he was already dead. FBI was there too, something about smuggling cocaine.”

“You told Audrey?”

He shook his head. “Sent her home to get some sleep. Nothing strange about the way he died from what I saw, gunshot wound to the head, nothing troubling there. And before you ask, you were tied up on a boat at the time so no, you’re not a suspect. Whatever happened between the two of you.”

Duke nodded once. “Thanks.”

"You're welcome."

"And thanks for saving my life." Nathan shrugged; the very last thing he wanted was for Duke to feel like he was in debt somehow, like he owed him anything. "Audrey said you turned Haven upside down looking for me."

He needed to remember to thank her. "She said that?"

"Yeah. Said you were worried. I'm touched. You could have left me out there to die."

Nathan stared at him, honestly shocked he'd even think that. "No, I couldn't. You really think I hate you? And so much I'd leave you to die?" He shook his head. "You're so wrong."

It was a while before either of them spoke again. Nathan watched Duke swallow half his beer and swing the bottle from his fingers. They both watched the bottle for a long time before Duke cleared his throat and said,

"Listen, Nate, I'm sorry. For... everything. I was an idiot when... it happened. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what it meant and you know that everything's always about me, right?"

He turned his head and smiled wanly, Nathan mirroring it, nodding slowly. "Yeah."

"I know the last thing this town needs is a truce between us, because things are weird enough around here already. But it would be nice if we could maybe we could talk now and then without feeling obliged to frame every conversation with insults."

Nathan nodded and surprised them both by saying, "I’d like that." In response, Duke reached out and almost absently patted his knee. 

Sparks like fireworks exploded in Nathan's brain. He jerked away involuntarily, head snapping up to stare and Duke stared back. "No need to overreact. I was just being friendly..."

"I felt that." Nathan's eyes jumped between Duke's hand and his own knee. 

"What do you mean..? What? Really?"

"Do that again."

Duke was looking at him warily. "I don’t think I want to."

"Don't get all shy on me now, Crocker." He reached out, grabbed Duke's hand, and dropped it again like it was red hot. His nerves blazed, skin alight. “Why can I feel you?”

“That was going to be my question.”

“I can feel Audrey too. I keep... finding an excuse to touch her, walking too close to her. She thinks I’m losing my mind.” 

“Oh, great. So you’re going to be stalking me now? Why haven’t you told her?”

“I can’t. I don’t want her to feel obligated....” 

Duke laughed. “But it’s okay for me to be.” It wasn’t a question, wasn’t serious. Instead of freaking out like Nathan was sure Audrey would, Duke leaned carefully sideways until they were touching, shoulder to shoulder. It was a gentle pressure, warm and bearable. Nathan closed his eyes, grateful beyond words, and let his entire focus come to rest at the contact point between them. He couldn’t ask Audrey for this, couldn’t even tell her she had the same effect. But Duke... Duke would never feel obliged, and even though it might be handing him more ammunition, something Nathan needed that Duke could withhold when they were fighting, even when they were fighting they had to connect. Sex or violence, it was all physical. He’d take anything right now; he wanted to take it all.

Nathan twisted slightly into Duke, bending his knees, creating a second touch point. For a long minute, he just stared at where the denim of his jeans was dark against the light of Duke’s khakis in the shadow cast by the lamp. Then he lifted his head, met Duke’s wide caramel eyes, and he could have written poems about the touch of Duke’s lips to his. The man had always been a collection of contradictions; soft and hard, frivolous yet serious, uncaring but so easy to move to tears. His kiss was everything, sending sparks along Nathan’s nerves. Suddenly he was so hard it physically hurt. It had been so long, he knew that the moment Duke touched him he was going to come and it would all be over but he couldn’t help himself. He lifted one hand to Duke’s face, tilted his head, opened his mouth and deepened the kiss.

He felt Duke’s hand on his thigh, fingers tracing the seam of his jeans and he opened his legs like a slut until the tips of those fingers brushed his erection. Even through the denim it was enough to set off lightening behind his eyes. He reached blindly for Duke’s wrist, touched the cool bandage and let go instantly. He tore his mouth away, apologising, begging, trying to warn him; all at the same time. 

Duke just shook his head, hushed him and gently bit at his throat. “Let it happen,” he murmured, “first one might hurt like hell, but then we can take our time.”

Nathan couldn’t think straight, let out a sigh from so deep inside him it felt as old as he was. Duke came up on to his knees, kissing Nathan’s neck, his face, his mouth, while he unbuttoned and unzipped Nathan’s fly, being careful not to touch. Then he straddled Nathan’s legs, bent his head and swallowed his cock to the root. Nathan came, yelling hard with the intensity of it, each lick of Duke’s tongue sending a shiver like voltage up his spine. He clawed at the deck with his fingers, not feeling it, not knowing until he put his hands on Duke’s shoulders and left bloody fingerprints where he touched. Duke saw too, sat up and took hold of Nathan’s hands, placing a light kiss on each hurt finger, making Nathan shivering with each wet touch.

“We should take this to the bedroom,” he suggested softly, “less chance of injury.”

Nathan nodded, letting Duke pull him to his feet. Then he stopped, resisted and when Duke turned to fight him on it he waited just a second to drink in the beauty he would never tire of seeing. “Just one thing,” he said, and Duke nodded. Nathan squeezed his hand, sensation like the aftermath of orgasm spreading out over his skin. “If at some point during the proceedings I blurt out that I love you, don’t take it seriously, okay?”

Duke laughed; delighted, relieved. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”

They both knew how bad he was at keeping his word.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> [Published Fiction](http://www.madeleine-marsh.com/)


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